*NOTE* With any of our jokes it is better to look them over before letting your children loose on them. Please use discretion. Some content may not be suitable for us, much less our children.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He is finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
Another friend decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, he found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a longstanding bug which he should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You would think that they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesired traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation, then Mistress 1.0 will refuse to install claiming insufficient system resources.
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.
Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say," the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaimes, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!
THE TEST OF THE TENTS
An American pilot is stranded in the Middle East after his plane was shot down.
As he was wandering through the desert trying to find a way home a marauding band of desert savages captured him. He was taken to their leader where he was given a choice. Either he take the test of the three tents and pass or be executed. Obviously the American had no intention of dying so he asked to be given the test.
The leader of the savages then told him he must go to three tents. In the first tent there were 100 shots of vodka. The pilot was to drink them all without spilling one drop. In the second tent was a tiger with a thorn in it's paw. The American had to remove the thorn. In the third tent was a woman who had never been sexually satisfied. He had to satisfy her.
He had to go through all the tents in succession without stopping.
The American took a deep breath and headed for the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbled to the second tent. Once he entered the savages could here lots of hissing and growling. An hour later the pilot emerged, cut and bruised, staggered up to the chief and said, "Can you point me in the direction of the third tent with the woman who has a thorn in her hand?"
SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
PETISHUN (**1/2,S)
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
- Sined by the blonds at the ofise
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake
ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES TEACHERS HAVE RECEIVED. (SPELLING MISTAKES INCLUDED.)
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on Global Organized Crime; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
CLICK.
HIGH TECH COMMUNICATIONS JOKE
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how to get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie, of course, says that he would love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you dress up in robe and use some glowing powder, the bus driver said, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie agrees and decides to try this out.
That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule, the nun shows up. When she is in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God.
"I am God. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so that she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After he finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts, "Ha, ha! > I'm not God. I am a hippie!" The nun replies by ripping off her mask and shouts "Ha, ha! I'm not the nun. I am the bus driver!!!"
ZONING FOR THE ARK
And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"
And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me and said, "Thy property is not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldst require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public hearing for a variance..."
"And behold, when I toldst them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I was going with a three-storied ark? I explainest to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood-gates of the sky.
And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies. I barely escaped with my life.
"Another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling, and Thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development.
"That reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I mentioned the animals. They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I will work on it. Couldst Thou please assign a bodyguard?"
And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take care of you. But I need the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not faileth!"
Noah answered and said, "It will be so."
But it was not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"
And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit centers on the second level. Code requires that gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with the animals.
"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level."
And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Worketh thou very hard!"
And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?"
"In by Christmastime! It's just an expression used in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing."
And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done."
But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not ready."
And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last Monday was a holiday. And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."
Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone."
And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth."
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole and Ross Perot found themselves in Hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4".....dirty.....and you could smell her, even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bill, YOU HAVE SINNED! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!" And Clinton was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened...and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard; "Bob, YOU HAVE SINNED! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dole, like Clinton before him, was whisked off.
Perot, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the 3rd door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of Cindy Crawford!!
Delighted, Ross jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, YOU HAVE SINNED!!!!!!!
Upon his death, Henry Ford went to Heaven and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, replied that he would like to see some of the inventors who had arrived in Heaven before him. So St. Peter went to the Celestial Computer and printed out a list of all the inventors currently in Heaven.
At the beginning of the list, Ford came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who had discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peter confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women.
Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.
"Your invention is the most stupid piece of engineering work I have ever seen. There is too much front-end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford back to the Celestial Computer. He queries the enormous databanks and after a few minutes, he receives a print out with tables, pie charts and graphs.
"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you've pointed out, data shows that there are more men still riding my product than yours."
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an IBM employee, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog's name was "T-Square." He told the dog to go to the black board and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which he did with no trouble.
The FORD employee's dog was named "Sliderule." He was told to go fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles of three each, which he did.
The AT&T telephone employee said that was pretty good, but he told his dog, "Measure," to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. He did perfectly.
The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty smart, and waited to see what the State employee's dog, who was named "Coffebreak," could do.
At the snap of the owner's fingers, "Coffeebreak" strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the three other dogs, claimed he injured his back, file a Worker's Compensation form, and went home on sick leave.
This guy goes on a business trip to the Far East, and while there partakes of some pleasure with the local girls. A few weeks after he comes back he notices that his penis has a red ring on it. Figuring it's not too serious he ignores it until the next day when he notice a blue ring behind the red ring. Now he panics and goes to the doctor. By the time the doctor examines him, he's now got a green ring behind the blue and red ones !!!
The doctor tells him he's never seen anything like this in his life, but it's obvious that it moving fast and might be gangrenous. He recommends amputation of his penis as the only way to save his life.
Well, our guy is not about to have THAT cut off. So he leaves the doctor's office and starts thinking. "I was just in the Far East and I probably got it over there." So he takes the next logical step and looks up an Oriental doctor ... Dr. Wong.
So it's off to Dr. Wong for an exam. Wong looks at the poor guy's penis and immediately declares, "Oh you got red, brue, green on yow dick!"
Relieved, our guy asks, "You've seen this before?"
"Oh sure," says Dr. Wong. "Let me ask you. You go to Orient about a month ago?"
"Yes," says our guy.
"You fool around with girls there?"
"Yes!"
"Then you get red, brue, green on your dick."
Relieved that Dr. Wong knows what�s going on he tells him how he almost had it amputated.
"Who tell you to do that?" Wong asks.
"My American doctor."
"Aw, American Doctor don't know shit! You no have to cut off. Wait a week, it fall off by itself."
A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIAN MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
SUBJECT: PRIVATE PRE-LIQUIDATION ESTATE SALE & JOB OFFER LOCATION: BRENTWOOD, CALIFORNIA TIME: IMMEDIATELY
Open bids --
Sealed bids only �
Job available --
THE POOPIE LIST!
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
Father: "Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit".
I am an Italiano.
One day Ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock onna table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
There were a little boy and a little girl arguing on every single subject they can think of by the beach. The little boy kept on looking for a subject that he could make him win arguing since he has not won a single argument yet. Suddenly he got an idea. He pulled down his shorts and said, "Look! I bet you do not have one of these!"
The little girl ran crying to her mother. Not long after, she came back with a smile on her face. She took off her tiny bikini and said, "My mother said with this I can have as many of yours as I like!"
You May Be an Engineer if...
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_______________________________________________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_______________________________________________________________
HEIGHT______________________________________________________________________
WEIGHT_____________________________________________________________________
IQ__________________________________________________________________________
GPA_________________________________________________________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #____________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________________________________________________
CITY/STATE__________________________________________________________________
ZIP_________________________________________________________________________
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?_________________________________________
If NO, please explain____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married_____________________________________________
If less than your age, explain______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? ______________________________________________________________
A truck with oversized tires?______________________________________________________
A waterbed?___________________________________________________________________
A pickup with a mattress in the back?________________________________________________
A condom?____________________________________________________________________
Pornography?__________________________________________________________________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? __________________________________
A tattoo?_____________________________________________________________________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?__________________
____________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? ______________________________________________________________________
priest? ______________________________________________________________________
mother? _____________________________________________________________________
parole officer? ________________________________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:_______________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:______________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:____________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:____________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up?______________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?________________________________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?_______________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).
Have a nice day.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR ON THE COMPUTER
Did you ever notice that all the bad things that happen to women have "MEN" involved in it?
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED:
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that it is the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words or the language of their anthem, WHEN they can be bothered to sing it.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches to Britain and the U.S., where everyone loves them.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four British channels.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (or internet irc).
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get the American channels.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Pronounce and spell their words correctly and call it "English".
Americans: Spell and pronounce words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Americans, but pronounce like Brits.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it!
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss by the half gallon.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer in cans and long-necked bottles.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer in anything!
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?".
The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked: I told you before we got married; why did you still faint? The girl said: you told me it was just like a baby.
The guy replied: yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Amy Thomas?"
"No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"NO, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your pennace will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."
Subject: British Officers
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
DRUG DEALERS AND SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS: COINCIDENCE?
| Drug Dealers� | Software Developers� |
| Refer to their clients as "users" | Refer to their clients as "users" |
| "The first one's free!" | "Download a free trial version..." |
| Have important South East Asian connections to help move the stuff | Have important South East Asian connections to help debug the code |
| Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime Bag," "E" | Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN" |
| Realize that there�s tons of cash in the 14-25 year old market | Realize that there�s tons of cash in the 14-25 year old market |
| Job is assisted by the industry�s producing newer, more potent mixes | Job is assisted by the industry�s producing newer, faster machines |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers | Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists |
| Their product causes 3D hallucinations | DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem |
| Unhealthy addictions | �Nuff said |
| Do you job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you | Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! |
HELP FEED AMERICAN AIRLINES PILOTS
It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a paycheck if they are forced by American Airlines management to strike.
But now you can help. For about three hundred dollars a day - that's less than the price of a 25" television set - you can help keep a pilot economically viable during their time of need.
Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediteranean cruise.
For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will almost replace his or her salary.
Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I�M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew member you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks,bonds,401K, and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow.
You'll also get information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million dollar lump sum they get upon their retirement.
"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Your pilot will be told that her or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.
I want to help!! In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to sponsor the crew member listed below.
I would like to sponsor (circle your selection/s): ___CAPTAIN ___F-100 CREW MEMBER ___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW ___A300 CREW MEMBER ___FIRST OFFICER ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER ___NAVIGATOR ___727 CREW MEMBER ___767 CREW MEMBER ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER
___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.
Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or $350.29 for MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)
Mastercard - Visa - American Express - Diner's Club - AAsset Card - Discover Card
Account Number:________________________________ Expiry Date:_________________ Signature:______________________________________
Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll by phone:(97X)-988-3188
Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their families in person or by other means including, but not limited to, phone calls, letters, email, or third parties. Contributions made are not tax deductible. In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs of this program.
Heard from a senior citizen:
"The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter.
I told him, 'Oh I do all the time.'
He smiled, blessed me and left...
He didn't wait for me to finish explaining that no matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"
One day a little boy asked his mother how old she was and she told him that little boys didn't ask ladies how old they were.
Some time later, the little boy asked his mother how much she weighed and she told him that little boys didn't ask ladies how much they weighed.
The little boy then asked his mother why she and his daddy had gotten a divorce and the mother told him that little boys didn't ask ladies personal questions like that.
Later that day the little boy was playing with a friend and told the friend that his mother wouldn't tell him how old she was or how much she weighed or anything.
His friend told him that all he had to do was look on his mother's driver's license and he could find out anything he wanted to know.
So the little boy went home and looked on his mother's drivers license and then went and told his mother he knew how old she was and told her she was 30 years old. Then he told her that he knew how much she weighed and told her she weighed 125 lbs.
Then he told her he knew why she had gotten a divorce because she had gotten an 'F' in sex!
An elderly man had a serious operation. Afterwards his doctor told him that he had done very well and that he could be released from the hospital, but he would have to take it easy for the next three weeks--no heavy exercise and no sex. He was to see the doctor in three weeks.
The man went home and after discussing the situation with his wife, they decided that it would be better if she took the upstairs bedroom and he took the downstairs bedroom so they would not be tempted to make love.
After three weeks the man returned to the doctor who told him that he was progressing satisfactorily but that he still needs to take it easy�no heavy exercise and no sex, and to return to see the doctor in three weeks.
He went home and resumed his pattern of sleeping in the downstairs bedroom while his wife was upstairs.
After two weeks he woke up and in the middle of the night he decided that he just had to see his wife regardless of the doctors orders.
He proceeded to climb the stairs and halfway up he met his wife on her way down.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well, I was just on my way upstairs to die," he replied.
"Oh, wonderful," she said, "Because I was just on my way down to kill you!"
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Did you hear about the guy on a beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it, and sure enough, out popped a Genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," replied the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he inquired.
The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!""
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has two Ferrari's," said the Genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the Genie.
"What is your final wish?"
The man thought long and hard and finally said, "Well you know, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
The Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So...what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
� and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support...
Hear about the guy who put together a jigsaw puzzle in 5 days?
He was real proud! The box said three to six years!
Just Wondering...
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
A man and a woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You're a terrible lover!"
The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
Two guys were reading the newspaper one Sunday morning, when they saw an ad for cheap airline tickets to Pittsburgh. They were thrilled, and jumped into the car and headed for the airport. They also needed change for the meter when they arrived. The guys went inside the airport and stopped just short of the ticket counter. There they saw a gorgeous woman behind the counter... large chested and in a see-thru blouse. the first guy went up to the counter and asked, "may i have 2 tickets to titsburgh? he backed away from the window, visibly embarrassed. The 2nd guy said, "Idiot. I will do it!" he went up to the counter and said, " I would like to buy 2 tickets to Pittsburgh and I need change for a quarter... 2 dimes and a nipple!" He also retreated...just as embarrassed as his friend was. They pondered their dilemma, when they saw a priest approaching the counter. They thought, "Perfect! He won't mess up!" They approached the priest and asked him to buy their tickets. The priest said, "Sure, no problem" when the woman had processed the tickets, she smiled at the priest. He frowned back at her and said, "Young lady, you should be ashamed. Saint Finger is watching and shaking his Peter at you!!!"
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God (Published in the year of our Lord 1894)
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude!A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.
Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contact with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.
Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark.
There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his (sic)huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO:
� HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex � notice she's gained 30 lbs.
3:00 - Manicure, facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make slow, sweet, romantic love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
� HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - Oral sex
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch
3:15 - Oral sex
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink beer with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - Oral sex
6:50 - Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 - Sleep
MALEONICS; (A CONTINUING SERIES)
HERE'S A LITTLE SCI-FI FOR YOU
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
� and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing. He explored but found nothing other than some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do?
For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman. She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you." There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus."
"But--but,"" asked the man, ""What did you use for tools?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she sad. "Where do you live?"
The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place,"" she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"
"No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke."
"I have a still,"" said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.
"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me . . . Do you have an Internet connection?"
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police."
Watch out for these new strains of Computer Viruses:
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - - once if by LAN, twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your apple erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but does not allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on a boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before
LAPD VIRUS: Tests your system for a day finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives.
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yap! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
A middle age man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem. "I am going to do word-association. I am going to say a word and you will say the first thing that come to your mind," explained the doctor.
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I still can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor confused.
"Easy. One on the left and one on the right!"
An American tourist walked in to a traditional restaurant in Spain. When he got the menu, he realized that it was written in Spanish. So he looked around and found a delicious looking dish on the next table. It was two large bull's balls topped with a very delicious sauce. When the waiter came, he asked, "I want the same dish as that senor."
"I am sorry, senor. That is a very special dish. You have to order it a day in advance!"
So the tourist ordered it and promised that he would returned the next day. On the next day, he returned to the same restaurant and found that the dish in front of him was two much smaller balls.
"Waiter, how come these balls are so small. The dish I saw yesterday had two large balls!"
"I am sorry, senor. But sometimes the bull wins!"
A child awakened in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. On the way, he passed his parents' bedroom and saw the light was still on. So he peaked from the keyhole, and complained, "This is from a mom who told me not to suck my thumb!"
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephants.
Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Tarzan�s fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A. Optimistic!
Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A. Free Parking.
Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A. Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody big holes all over Australia.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.
Q: What looks just like a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work then.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account -- right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they decide this is a man's job and get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "�it was me first day with the hook."
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f*ck the cat!"
WHO'S ON FIRST (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the things he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. The really strange thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute in response to something he sent them......
Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir,Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
Grandpa and his grandson were in the backyard digging worms to go fishing, when finally, the grandson saw a worm sticking about halfway out of a hole. The grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the rest of the way.
Grandpa said, "I'll bet you a dollar you can't put that worm back in the hole." The grandson thought about it for a moment, then turned and ran into the house. Soon he came back out with a can of hairspray, thoroughly coated the worm, making it stiff as a board, then gently slid the worm back into the hole. Grandpa shrugged and handed him a one dollar bill. The next morning, the grandson was sitting on the front porch when Grandpa came out of the house and held out another one dollar bill and said, "Here's you a dollar son."
The grandson said, "But grandpa, you already gave me a dollar for the bet."
Grandpa said, "I know, but this one is from grandma."
A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five silver dollars about two years before. The doctor was puzzled and asked, "If you swallowed them two years ago, why are you just coming to me now?"
"It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money before now."
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a pushbike weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It's some crazy politician," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
With the start of a new semester, I decided to send out invitations to others in "my" field - thought we could get together for a sharing of ideas. I thought you might find interesting what some of them had to say about this gathering:
PIERRE and MARIE CURIE were radiating enthusiasm
EINSTEIN thought it would be relatively easy to attend
VOLTA was electrified and ARCHIMEDES was bouyant at the thought
AMPERE was worried that he was not up to current research
OHM resisted the idea at first
BOYLE said he was under too much pressure
EDISON thought it would be an illuminating experience
WATT reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam
STEPHENSON thought the whole idea was loco
WILBER WRIGHT accepted, provided he and ORVILLE could get a flight
DR. JEKYLL declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately
MORSE'S reply? "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, though, must dash"
JANE GOODALL was looking forward to monkeying around.
DR. KEVORKIAN said that all this frivolity would be the death of him.
BURGESS wrote "I shale plan on attending."
WATSON and CRICK were concerned that it would be a twisted, kinky group in attendance.
LINNAEUS volunteered to make the name tags.
LEEUWOENHOEK asked about the scope of the topics to be discussed.
PLINY said he was too old, but wondered if his nephew could be invited.
FREUD feared the plans were too complex for him.
SOCRATES questioned the logic of a party at this time of year.
DARWIN was surprised at the evolution of such a distinguished list of guests.
LAMARK understood that if the need was there, the solution would be forthcoming.
HOMER said that barring a disaster he would not myth it.
COUSTEAU said he was submerged in work right now, and could not make it.
All in all, it should be a NOBEL gathering, a truly explosive event!
You Might Be Addicted to The Internet if...
...Tech Support calls YOU for help.
...Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
...You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on
...You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
...Your friends sign on to find you because they know if they call the phone will just ring and ring.
... Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome
...You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer
...You've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face
...You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
...You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (spanish chat room) "just to work on my spanish"
...You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away
...You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
...You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
...You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
...When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
...You just HAVE to check your mail one last time before you go to bed, even though you were on only five minutes ago
...You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on-line again
...You know more about your on-line friends daily routines than you do your own spouses
...You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
...You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a user name close to your own
...You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
...You change user names so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are
...You open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool user names
...Your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
...You marry your cyber-boyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
...You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
...Your dog leaves you
...You have to ask what year it is
...You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat
...You write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!"
...You name your pets after people you talk to
...You smile sideways
...You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
...You have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are
...You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
...You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the puter
...You have withdrawal if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours
...You use IRC lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)
...You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling
...Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
...Your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a rubber chicken."
...You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
...You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake
...You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work
...You don't know where the time has gone
...You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
...Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
...You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
...You spell things outloud instead of actually saying the word
...You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
...When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
...You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
...Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your username and I will TTYL"
...You type faster than you think
...You want to be burried with your computer when it dies...or vice versa
...You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted
...You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv-screen at the end of a movie
...People say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable
...You dream in text
...Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
...There is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something
...You double click your tv remote
...You can now type over 70 wpm
...You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for Internet junkies
...You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else
�You say "BRB" or "BBL"
...You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
...You go into withdrawls during dinner
...You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
...You stop speaking in full sentences
...You have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to others
...You have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
...You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on"
A COWBOY AND HIS HORSE
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.
What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man � going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
GOODNIGHT STORY
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life � he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. At the end of a very painfully long day, he again drives slowly home. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.""No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!".
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"
A man buys a parrot and takes him home... the parrot does not speak and the man returns to the pet shop. "My parrot will not speak," says the man.
The owner says "He is lonely, buy him a mirror, then he will talk." The man shells over the money for the mirror and puts it in the cage... still no talking. He returns to the pet shop. "My parrot still does not talk" says the man.
"Buy him some toys he will be happier, then he will talk" says the Owner. The man buys the toys, and still the parrot does not talk. The man returns to the shop and tells the owner that the bird is still not talking. The owners says "OK, this is fool proof, buy him a little wheel to play on and he will definitely talk!". The man buys the wheel and goes home.
The next day the man returns to the pet shop. "My parrot is dead" says the man.
"HE'S DEAD?????" exclaims the owner. "Well, did he say anything before he died?"
"As matter of fact he did," says the man.
"What did he say?" asks the owner.
"Fffffoooooooood" answers the man.
NIKE CONDOMS: Just do it
TOYOTA CONDOMS: Oh what a feeling
DIET PEPSI CONDOMS: You got the right one, baby
PRINGLES CONDOMS: Once you pop you can't stop
MENTOS CONDOMS: The freshmaker
FLINSTONES VITAMINS CONDOMS: Teen million strong, and growing
SECRET CONDOMS: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman
MACINTOSH CONDOMS: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
FORD CONDOMS: The best never rest
CHEVY CONDOMS: Like a rock
DIAL CONDOMS: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
NEW YORK LOTTO CONDOMS: Cause hey -- you never know
CALIFORNIA LOTTO CONDOMS: Who's next?
AVIS CONDOMS: Trying harder than ever
KFC CONDOMS: Finger-lickin' good!
COCA COLA CONDOMS: Always the real thing
LAYS CONDOMS: Betcha can't have just one
CAMBELLS CONDOMS: Mm, mm good
GENERAL ELECTRIC CONDOM: We bring good things to life!
AT&T CONDOMS: Reach out and touch someone
BOUNTY CONDOMS: The quicker picker upper
MICROSOFT CONDOMS: Where do you want to go today?
ENERGIZER CONDOMS: It keeps going, and going, and going!
M&M CONDOMS: It melts in your mouth, not in your hand
CHEVRON CONDOMS: Use them! People do
TACO BELL CONDOMS: Get some; make a run for the border
MCI CONDOMS: For friends and family
DOUBLE MINT CONDOMS: Double your pleasure, double your fun
THE SEARS LATEX CONDOMS: One coat is good all year
DELTA AIRLINES CONDOMS: Deltas ready when you are!
UNITED AIRLINES CONDOMS: Fly united!
THE STAR TREK CONDOMS: To boldly go where no man has gone before!
Q: Why does it take 10 women with PMS to screw in a light bulb?
A: BECUASE IT JUST DOES!, OK?!!!!!
Q. Why is walking a tightrope like getting a blow-job from a 92-year-old woman?
A. You don't dare look down!
Q: Why can't O.J. and Heidi Fliess play golf together?
A: She's a hooker and he's a slicer
Q: Why don't blondes breastfeed?
A: It hurts to boil their nipples.
A brunette goes into a doctor's office:
Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde?
Brunette: Why, yes!
Doctor: Your finger's broken.
Bill, Hillary, Al and Tipper are all feeling a little saucy in the family room at the White House. Each couple begins talking about going up to their bedrooms when Al has a great idea and suggests that they exchange partners. Everyone loves the idea, so they swap parners and head to their bedrooms.
A little while later, Bill hears Hillary screaming in ecstasy. Bill says, "Wow, I've never been able to make Hillary scream like that!" To which Al replies, "Yea, Tipper must be hot tonight!"
There were once two Indians traveling across the Great Plains. One Indian stopped all of a sudden and stood up on his horse and said "Me hear something." The other Indian said "What you hear?" So the first Indian said, "Me don't know." Then he got down off his horse and put his ear to the ground. All of a sudden he jumped up and yelled "Buffalo come!" The second Indian said "How you know buffalo come?" And the first Indian said, "Ear Sticky!"
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
THE LORD'S PRAYER TRANSLATED
| English� | Ebonics� |
| Our Father, who art in Heaven | Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, |
| Hallowed by Thy Name | You be chillin' |
| Thy Kingdom come, | So be yo hood |
| Thy Will be done, | You be sayin' it, I be doin' it |
| On Earth as it is in Heaven | In this here hood and yo's |
| Give us this day our Daily Bread | Gimme some eats |
| And forgive us our trespasses | And cut me some slack, Blood |
| As we forgive those who trespass against us | Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me |
| And lead us not into temptation | Don't be pushing me into no jive |
| But deliver us from evil | And keep dem Crips away |
| For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever. | 'Cause you always be da Man |
| Amen | Aaa-men |
A city slicker turned farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.
So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
NAUGHTY NUNS
Nuns get admitted into Heaven through a special gate and are expected to have one last confessional before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter,"have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the 1st Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your holiness," says the Nun that is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Mary Catherine sticks her ass in it!"
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?" Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up. "Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms."
CONFUSIOUS SAYS�
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES
Who said that Ebonics is the only kind of nonstandard English schools need to know about? School boards in Silicon Valley have already adopted a course for the pocket protector set without telling anyone. There's only one way to find out if your kids are learning this stuff, moms and dads. Watch for these telltale signs your children are studying Dweebonics:
10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
9. When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some work."
8. They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
7. Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL."
6. They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
5. They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, and we'll TTYL."
4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well...see ya!"
3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside my service area!"
2. When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, "It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."
1. You're telling them something they don't want to hear. They're saying, "NAK, NAK, NAK" the whole time.
THE VERMONTER'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO
Log On = Makin' the wood stove hotter
Log Off = Don't add wood.
Monitor = Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download = Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
Mega Hertz = When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk = Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood
RAM = The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work
Hard Drive = Gettin' home in mud season
Prompt = What you wish the mail was in mud season
Windows = What to shut when it's 30 below
Screen = What you need for black fly season
Byte = What black flies do
Chip = What to munch on
Micro Chip = What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
Infrared = Where the left-over's go when Fred's around
Modem = What you did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix = Farmer Matrix's wife
Lap Top = Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard = Where you hang your keys
Software = Them plastic eatin' utensils
Mouse = What eats the horses' grain in the barn
Main Frame = The part of the barn that holds the roof up
Port = Fancy wine
Enter = C'mon in!
Random Access Memory = You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks
"Father, yesterday I made love to my wife."
The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that.
"But father, I did it with lust!"
Again the priest reassured the man that it was no sin.
"But father, it was in the middle of the day!"
The priest was growing uncomfortable with the description but assured him that it was a natural act for a man and wife.
"But father, it was sheer passion. I followed her around the fridge and as she leaned over the deep freeze I jumped on her and we did it on the floor. Am I banned from the church?"
"Of course not," said the exasperated priest.
"Oh that's good. The manager has banned both of us from the supermarket."
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
This little boy and girl ate lunch together every day. The funny thing is they always had chicken in one form or another. Years passed until one day in seventh grade the little girl came to lunch with peanut-butter sandwiches. The little boy asked her why. She explained that she was starting to grow pin feathers down below.
The boy didn't believe her so after school she pulled down her pants and showed him the pin feathers. Sure enough she was. A year had passed when one day the boy came to lunch with peanut-butter sandwiches. The girl asked why the peanut-butter? He said he was also growing pin feathers. She didn't believe him so after school they went out back. The little boy dropped his pants to show her, she gasped and said you not only have pin feathers you got the neck and gizzard.
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead? Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass? Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far? Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach? Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack? Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox? Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three? Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain? Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts? Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover? Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church? Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon? Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane? Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage? Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends? Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log? Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps? Have you done it without style? Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD? Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth? Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape? Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee? Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim? Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows; Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
NINE STAGES OF LIFE
One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
Once upon a time there was a magic bridge. Anyone who dared to jump off from it and screamed what he wished would get what he wished. So three men went there to fulfill their whishes. The first one jumped off the bridge and screamed "Millionaire!" He landed on a yacht. The second man jumped off and screamed "Eagle!" He became an eagle and flew above the cloud. The last one was about to jump when he tripped over the side wall and screamed "Sh*t!!!"
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FM: MANAGEMENT RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add you name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.
A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest; I�ll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly, Bob
[ Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date. "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break."]
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?�
Q. What's the difference between God and pilots?
A. God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest? The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and loved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love." Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan." The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning; and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded "Yes."
After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the ship's captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain demanded. "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
As the chemist walked back into his shop after his lunch break he noticed an individual clinging with white knuckles to the lamp-post outside. "What happened to him?" he asked his assistant who had been minding business while he was away.
"He's got a bad cough," replied the assistant.
"What did you give him?" the chemist asked.
"A strong laxitive", the assistant replied, "now he doesn't dare cough."
This guy walks into a fancy French restaurant, the maitre-d says "Sir you can't come in here without a tie." The guy argues, but the maitre-d is firm.
The guy goes out to his car and looks around, but can't find a tie. Looks in the trunk and finds a pair of jumper cables, wraps them around his neck and walks back into the restaurant. The maitre-d looks at him and says "OK, you can come in, but don't start anything.
"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
THE PARENTING TEST
Section One --- Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
Section Two -- Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
Section Three -- Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
******
Section Four -- Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting: Vacuum cleaners, 'Velcro', or the VCR?"
TODDLER'S CREED
If I want it, it's mine. If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what. If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
TOP REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE
10. They have a lot of data but, are still clueless
9. A better model is always just around the corner
8. They look attractive until you bring them home
7. It is always necessary to have a back up
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right button
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
3. The lights are on, but nobody's home
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter
A little girl was telling Santa what she wanted for Christmas and as she listed one thing after another said, "and I want a G.I. Joe and Barbie, and.."
"But honey," Santa interrupted "you mean you want a Ken and Barbie."
"No, Santa!" she said. "I want a G.I. Joe and Barbie!"
"But Barbie comes with Ken." Santa replied.
"No!" the little girl exclaimed. "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."
A man, obviously dissatisfied with his sex life, writes a letter to his wife to attempt to explain the situation �
Darling Wife:
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 14 times
It's too early - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too late -12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be sleep - 49 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 28 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 25 times
New hair-do - 5 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
The 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always satisfying because:
The wife, who apparently sees things a bit differently, writes back -
My Dear Husband:
I think things are are a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 14 times
Did not come home home at all - 35 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 33 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your legs - 16 times
Working too late - 36 times
You had a rash, "probably from a toilet seat" - 29 times
Caught it in your zipper - 15 times
Had a cold, you nose kept running - 21 times
Your coffee was too hot, burned your tongue - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
Lost the notion, thinking about it too long - 42 times
Came in your pjs, after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you missed me and were screwing the sheets. You seemed to be having such a good time, I didn't want to move and ruin it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The one time I was thrashing around was because you farted and I was fighting for air.
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a challenger. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did god create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird."The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub
How do you keep a man from drowning?
A Take your foot off his head!
What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis?
A man:)
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!! ...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds...
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the hanger?
No one knows... its never happened
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem."The good news is I can cure your headaches. . . The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure�" the salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . .16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably round the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " the salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable, but he felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a monastery.
The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would have to give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would have to be totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to anyone. He was allowed only to say two words every five years.
So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent. Five years goes by, and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope, and he is asked "so, how is everything?" The man answers "bed hard". The Pope replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care of that right away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed is fixed.
Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope comes to visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The man replies to the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh, my, that is no good, we will take care of that problem right away. No more cold food."
Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays, he is silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so he the man is called before his superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK?"
To which the man replies "I quit."
So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've been here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about?
And which waiter are you tipping anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? " Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
The Statements Car Owners are Really Making:
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating people up
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Chrysler LeBaron - I think I am an aristocrat.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not care about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Tiffany and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Altima - I like to pay more for things than they are worth
Nissan Sentra - I just graduated college and I work at McDonalds
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannan is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Tercel - (see Honda Civic)
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Jetta - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
Big trucks - I am a hick
Little trucks - I wish I were a hick
Jeep - I like people to think I am a outdoor person even though I have never seen a tree.
10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business
THE DINNER PARTY
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
PORTLAND, MAINE., Dec. 30.
In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Education announced today that, beginning January 1, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called Yankonics, recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English.
In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English as a distinct language, rather than a dialect of standard English. An estimated 53 per cent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district.
Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive. Lobsterman John Nadeau,43, of Fore St. said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least its a staht."
The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position. Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside concurred. "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV. Something needs to be done."
Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center,admitted that he'sfound his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times. "I wentdown New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two to days figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused when I gawt bahck."
Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd. Yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people from away cahn't understahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyevah they came frawm."
Asked if he'd lived in Portland all is life, Wentworth replied, "not yet."
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
"WHY MOM"
"Mommy, where do babies come from?" "The stork, dear."
"Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" "The police, dear."
"Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?" "The fire department, dear."
"Mommy, where does food come from?" "Farmers, dear."
"Mommy?" "Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, the was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven..
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round back."
SOME UNIQUE WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS
As the young man headed home from church one Sunday morning filled with the Spirit, he noticed a sign on the church bulletin board reading, "Religious Horse For Sale." Curious, he wrote down the address and quickly drove to it. Soon, he found the address, it was a large farm. He turned into the drive and parked next to the barn.
"Tell me about your religious horse," he asked as the farmer approached the car. "This horse is very religious," explained the farmer. "He responds only to religious phrases. For instance, if you want him to go, you just say, 'Praise the Lord' and if you want him to stop, you simply say 'Amen.'"
"Can I ride him?" asked the young man.
"Sure," replied the farmer. "Just remember the commands."
The young man mounted the horse and said, "Praise the Lord" and the horse began trotting toward an open field.
"Praise the Lord," he repeated and the horse began to gallop.
"Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord," he shouted and the horse headed out with ever increasing speed.
The young man was filled with exhilaration until he noticed he was headed at lightning speed for a deep cliff. Filled with fear, the young man forgot the word to make him stop. "Whoa," he shouted, "Stop!" but to no avail.
Just as the edge of the cliff was approaching, the young man remembered the word. "Amen!" he shouted and was relieved as the horse screeched to a halt at the cliff's edge.
"I can't believe I almost forgot the word, "Amen," he said aloud. "Praise the Lord I remembered it!"
The preacher's sermon was on the Ten Commandments. When he reached the fourth, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he noticed that one of his parishioners, a little man sitting in the front row, became very agitated. When the preacher reached the seventh, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the man suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior.
The man replied with an embarrassed smile, "When you talked about the Fourth Commandment, I suddenly discovered that my umbrella was missing. But when you said, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", I remembered where I left it!"
An elderly husband and wife notices that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous as one on them may acccidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, they wife said, "Dear, will you please go the kitchen and get some ice cream. And why don't you write it down so you don't forget."
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write it down because I know you will forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries, I can remember that!"
"Okay, dear. But I would like you to put some whip cream on top. Now your really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come on now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whip cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him and emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presents her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast!"
One day an elderly couple showed up at a doctor's office and wanted to know if they were making love properly. The doctor said to show him how they did it, so they got up on the examining table and showed him.
After they were finished, the doctor said, "That's just fine, you're doing it right."
For the next six weeks they went through the same procedure with the doctor telling him the same thing every time.
Finally, the doctor said, "Look, you have been coming here for weeks and I've told you that you're doing it right. What is going on?"
"Well," said the old man, "She can't come to my house because my wife is always home. I can't go to her place because her husband is always home. A motel cost $100 but you only charge $60 and we put it all on Medicare!"
A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every forth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Dr. told the old man to take off his shirt. The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?" and the wife got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" The old man nodded and took his shirt off.
The Dr. then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat. The old man shouted, "What?" and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and tilted his head back.
When this was all over, the Dr. said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Dr. wants your underpants!"
Two salesman were traveling through Wisconsin one February when it started to snow. One of the salesman noticed a light up on the hill next to the road and said, "It looks like a farmhouse up there. Let's go and see if we can spend the night in the barn and get out of this blizzard."
In response to their knock at the door, a woman answered and after hearing their problem said, "Come in gentleman, you don't have to spend the night in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here so come in and I will make us some dinner." After a warm dinner and some relaxing TV, they all retired for the night.
The next morning, they saw that the road had been cleared and after a nice breakfast, they bid the widow goodbye and continued on their trip. About 9 months later, one of the salesman received a registered letter from a law office in Wisconsin. After reading the letter the salesman phoned his friend and asked, "Mike, do you remember when were were stuck in the snow in Wisconsin?"
"Sure," replied Mike, "Why do you ask?"
"Well tell me something else. Did you sneak into that woman's bedroom that night and use my name?"
Sure," said Mike, "After all, you are single and always sleeping around, but I'm married and I can't so I figured it wouldn't make any difference. But why all the questions?"
"Well, he replied, "I just wanted to thank you. It seems the woman passed away and left me the farm!"
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"
The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
In a fanatical country, a priest, a lawyer and an engineer have been held hostage for months and are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope, but nothing happens. The ruler declares that the priest has been saved by divine intervention so they let him go.
The lawyer is next on the block and again, the rope doesn't release the blade. The ruler declares that by international law, they cannot attempt to execute him twice so he is also set free .
Then they grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I think I see the problem."
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was St. Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything else which you may desire?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which record the actual prophechies of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
One the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied, "You're going to die!"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
An old country doctor found his work load too heavy and managed to persuade a young doctor to share his practice. "Just remember son," he cautioned, "These are simple country folk. They don't have much of a way with words and sometimes they won't be able to describe their symptoms accurately. But you just keep your eyes open and you'll be able to diagnose their ailments with no trouble at all."
That very evening, the two doctors were called to the aid of a woman who lay in a stupor. The oldest doctor took her pulse while the younger man tried to take her temperature. His efforts only seemed to upset her and her violent tossing and turning caused him to drop the thermometer. He bent over, picked it up and put it back in his bag. He waived the older doctor aside and whispered a few words into the young woman's ear. Whatever he said seemed to soothe her and the two men went on their way.
When they got into the car, the old doctor demanded to know what the young doctor said to the patient. "I simply told her that she would have to cut down on her political activity."
"Now that's ridiculous!" exclaimed the old practitioner. "She was practically in a coma and you thought it was politics? What kind of a doctor are you!"
"Well sir, I just did what you told me to do. I kept my eyes open."
"Now what is that suppossed to mean?" demanded the irate doctor.
"Well, when I bent over to pick up the thermometer, I saw the mayor under the bed!"
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they would like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea and decided to give it a try.
The doctor set the knob on the machine at ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was suprised at how litttle pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent.
After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, streched a little and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep!
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all yur crothes and you crawhl real fass away frahm me across da froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawhl real fass baaack to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head sadly and said, "you haf real baaaahd case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! Dat why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....dat when yur face look ZACHARY rike yur ass!"
A TALE OF FLATULENCE
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but they always had a very embarrassing and sometimes lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she would never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice...he gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly there after.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and it was his birthday. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had several miles to walk home. Being a little hungry, he stopped at a cafe. Before leaving the cafe, for his birthday, he treated himself to three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and upon arriving home, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last.
His wife seemed somewhat excited and agitated to see him and exclaimed "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him wow not to touch the blindfold, until she returned, and ran off to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but was as ripe as rotten eggs. He took his napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him. So, he shifted to the other leg and let go. This was a prize winner. While keeping his ear on the telephone conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone call was ending. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked; of course he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was the surprise:
Twelve dinner guest seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Here are some of the quotes from the brightest minds of our time.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. ... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas.
This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5....." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Perplexing Proverbs
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK, buy 1000 Microsoft shares" the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere."
On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone." "That's OK," the Japanese executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax."
A priest was taking a shower at St. Mary Church and he realized that he ran out of soap. He wanted to get some soaps across from the shower room but he was to lazy to get dressed so he ran across the room naked. On his way back, he saw three nuns approaching in his direction. To avoid being embarrassed, he posed as a statue holding two bars of soap on his hands. The three nuns approached him and the first nun asked "Gee... I wonder what this thing is."
"It's a soap vending machine," the second nun replied. The first nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled the dong twice, a bar of soap fell down. "It smells really nice," the first nun said to the second nun.
The second nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled the dong twice, another bar of soap fell down. "It gives a good lather," the second nun told the third nun.
So the third nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled his dong twice but nothing came down. She got frustrated and kept pulling it for 5 minutes. Finally she yelled "OH...... it is CREAM SOAP!!!!!"
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on the car failed. The car almost went out of control, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method had never worked before. I've got a Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the hill and see if it happen again."
A LITTLE ELECTRONIC INDUSTRY HUMOR:
I'm saddened to announce the passing of the Energizer Bunny.
AP November 11, 1996
The Energizer Bunny, best known for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42 a.m.. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept "coming and coming and coming"...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
Frequently Asked Questions About Your Personal Health Care Plan:
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as rectal exams, lab tests and drafty open-backed paper gowns, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry � the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a full day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. If still upset, poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office and let me be discharged by noon?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Three dogs are sitting in a vets office, a rottweiler, doberman, and a great dane....The rott looks at the doby and says "What are you here for?"
Doby says "My legs are going and I'm really old so my master has decided to put me to sleep."
Rott says "Bummer."
Doby says, "What about you?"
Rott says "Well, I kind of went ballistic on the mail man and chewed his ass up, then I ran amok in the streets..."the states says I have to be destroyed, so I'm here to be put to sleep too."
Doby says "Wow, thats too bad. They both look at the great dane.
"What about you?" the doby asks. "Well, the other night, my master came out of the shower and when she bent over to dry her feet, well, I couldnt... contain myself and I jumed up behind her and mounted her." Rott says
"Holy shit! She having you put to sleep too?" Dane says "No..." "I'm getting my nails done."
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out his patrol car, pulled up his gun holster, adjusted his mirror sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What ya'll driving so fast for boy? You going to a fire? Let me see ya license boy." The young man handed over his license. Then, the officer noticed that the back seat of the young man's car was full of big knives. The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well Sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spit some tobacco juice out the side of his mouth and then said, " A juggler; well you don't say. Boy put cha hands on the trunk of your car; you in a heap of trouble boy!." The young man pleaded to the officer not to take him to jail. The young man offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of a demonstration. The young man said, "You can even hold me at gun point while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed the young man to prove his point while he held him at gun point.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Jim Billy Jo Bob was drinking it up with his favorite drinking buddy Homer T. J. Ratcliff. Jim Billy was heading out the door to go home to his wife. He slumbered to his rusty old 1976 Ford pickup truck and crawled in. Soon, ol' Jim Billy was driving down highway 442, and trying his best to stay on his side of the road. Then all of a sudden Jim Billy saw the most unbelievable sight of his life. Jim Billy tried his best to keep that pickup on the road.
Later down the road, Jim Billy stopped at the first pay phone he saw. He dialed the number to the Tavern and asked for Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer picked up the phone Jim Billy said, "Homer what ever you do when you leave that there tavern, don't go north on highway 442. The state police is giving a sobriety test that you ain't gonna believe!!!!!
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Boss, and feeds it in.
"Now," said the boss, "I just need two copies..."
Jose and Lorena had been married for 8 years, and had fallen into a sexual slump. Lorena, decided she was going to put some spice back in to the relationship, and hurried to the local lingerie shop to purchase a pair of black silk crotchless panties.
That evening when she heard her husband's key in the lock Lorena quickly stripped down to the newly purchased panties and threw herself, spread-eagled, onto the bed. "Honey, come on up here," she called.
Jose came to the bedroom door and gasped as he saw his wife lying on the bed with her legs spread wide. Lorena wriggled her hips up at him and cooed coyly, "Want some of this, baby?"
"Hell no!" Jose replied with a look of horror, "Look what it's done to your panties!"
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
The man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," he grinned, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
THE TOP 15 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
� and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
ADMINISTRATION SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of ALL employees regardless of race, age, or sexual preference.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank (aka: Poti-Bank)" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated but not borrowed!
Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms will be equipped with personal badge reader stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resource Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In additin, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirthy-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have received advanced instructions and work team briefing packages.
THE TOP 15 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
14. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
13. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
12. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
11. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
10. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
9. Still trying to come up with an "smiley" that signifies tail-wagging.
8. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
6. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
5. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
� and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
Two sperm are swimming really hard.... One says, "Are we almost at the ovaries yet?" The other one says, "Nah, we just passed the tonsils."
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
A nun was walking alone down the street when a guy dragged her into an alley and raped her. As he was leaving he sneared " what are you going to tell the priest now?" "well I guess I will just have to tell him that I was raped TWICE:::: if you�re not too tired."
CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: Gang:
A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN
Mrs. Jones phones the Mitchell Family. A little girls answers the phone on the first ring. "Hello," the little girls whispers. "Who am I speaking with? asks Mrs. Jones. The little girl softly whispers, "My name is Elizabeth." Mrs. Jones inquires, "Well, Miss Elizabeth, may I speak to your mother?" "No," the little girls softly whispers. "Why not," asks Mrs. Jones. Elizabeth whispers back even more softly, "She is busy," Mrs. Jones inquires, "Miss Elizabeth, is your daddy home?" Elizabeth whispers, "Yes." "Well then Miss Elizabeth, may I speak to your father," Mrs. Jones asks. "Nope," the little girl whispers back, oh so softly. Jones asks, "Why not, Miss Elizabeth?" A very soft Elizabeth whispers, "He is busy." Perplexed, Mrs. Jones asks, "Miss Elizabeth, is there anyone else there at your home?" A whispering voice replies, "Uh huh." Jones inquires, "Miss Elizabeth, who else is there?" The little girl softly whispers, "A policeman is here." Alarmed, Mrs. Jones asks, "May I speak to the policeman, Miss Elizabeth?" "Uh, Uh," the little girl whispers back. "And why not," replies Jones. The soft, little girl's voice, still whispering replies, "The policeman, he is busy." Mrs. Jones, now very concerned asks, "If your mommy and daddy are busy and a policeman is there and he is busy, too then what are they all doing that that can't come to the phone?" Elizabeth answers, whispering, "They're busy looking for me and I am hiding."
POLITICALLY CORRECT TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me�
HERE IS SOMETHING I GOT, YOU MIGHT OF HEARD IT BEFORE, BUT CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frosty, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and the cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less....
WHAT AM I?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own .......................TOOTHBRUSH...............
Just a line to say I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead,
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.
I got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
but, God, I miss my mind.
for sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
IF I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there.
And, before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out?
And, there are times when it is dark,
with my nightcap on my head.
I don't know IF I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.
So IF it's my turn to write you,
there's no need for getting sore-
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore.
So remember that I love you
and wish that you were near
but now it's nearly mall time,
so I must say "goodbye Dear"
P.S. Here I stand beside the mailbox
with a face so very red
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I have opened it instead.
There was a man who went to his Doctor with a peculiar problem. Upon the Doctor seeing him and asking what the mans problem was he replied, "Dr., my penis has turned orange." The Dr. looked somewhat surprised and asked him to drop his pants for an examination. As the man dropped his pants, revealing his bright orange penis the Dr. had a look of surprise on his face and said, "I have never in all my years as a Doctor seen anything like this and I haven�t even a comment to make. Let me ask you a few questions and see what I can come up with. What kind of work do you do?"
"I am an accountant," the man replied
The Dr said, "Hmmmmmm that doesnt help. What are your Hobbies?"
The man replied, "I am not a golfer or a hunter. I am sort of a homebody. In fact," he said "at night I just go into my den and sit down at the computer with a big Bag of Cheetos, and Chat with my friends on the Computer."
This man is walking along a beach one day and finds an old lamp washed up on the shore. He takes it home and places it on his mantle, but doesn't give it much thought. A few weeks later he looks at it and decides, what the heck, lets rub it and see what happens.
Sure enough, a genie appears and immediately says, "Thank you master for freeing me from the lamp. In return, I offer you three wishes."
The man thinks for awhile and says, "I really don't know what to wish for.
The genie replies, "Wish for lots of money, that's what most people want in life."
The man replies, "No, I have enough money, I don't need anymore."
The genie says, "How about travel? I can take you to the far corners of the world in an instant."
The man replies, "No, I 've been to many places and I like it here."
The genie says, "How about your sex life? How often do you have sex?"
"Oh, about two times a week, " the man replies.
"I can make it much more active than that," says the genie.
"Gee," the man replies, " I thought twice a week was pretty good for a priest in a small town!"
SUBJ: A Guy or a Gentleman?
Gentlemen: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Gentleman: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Gentleman: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Gentleman: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Gentleman: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Gentleman: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Gentleman: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming gentlemen.
Gentleman: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Gentleman: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs if they don't like something.
Gentleman: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.
MORE TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES...
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." --Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." --John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." --Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." --Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." --Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." --Regina, age 10
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." --Del, age 6
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." --Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." --Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." --Bart, age 9
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, 9
MEMO FROM NORTH POLE MANAGEMENT To: Santa's Helpers
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES that amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload � not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion...
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's DEAD now.
Four Wishes For Christmas...
If I could have one wish for Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to unite and join hands, singing in unison and with perfect harmony. Seeing thier smiling faces and knowing that joy and Contentment filled thier hearts would truely be the most rewarding gift of all.
If I could have just two wishes for Christmas, the first one would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing while happy and smiling. The second would be for 30 million dollars to be given to me on a monthly basis, deposited in a swiss bank account.
If I could have just three wishes for Christmas the first would be for all the children to hold hands and sing, the second for 30 million dollars to be deposited monthly in my bank account, and the third would be to have absolute power over all the creatures of the earth and sky and the whole universe.
If I could have four wishes for Christmas, the first would definately be that children crap, the second would be the 30 million dollars, the third would be absolute power through out the universe, and the fourth would be that every year, a special month be set aside, in which I would have a 45 day orgasm.
A Christmas Tradition Explained...
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't; Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger.
"I CANT believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now, and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree she says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???" And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass!!
How Many Calories in a Dollar?
My summer clothes no longer fit my ample hips and thighs, So I tried several diet plans the drug stores advertise. Concoctions packaged brightly in thin boxes, packs and jars: I bought big bags of low-cal foods and diet candy bars. I bought the latest cookbooks written for the slim gourmet, And books on exercising meant to melt the pounds away. I've found despite these schemes and plans, my frame does not look trimmer: The only thing I've noticed is, My wallet's getting slimmer.
"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident." Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... ------------------------------------------------------------
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I showed you exhibit 3 and asked you if you recognized that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 PM.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Three men get to heaven and as promised, you recieve a car! Of course the type of car you drive away in depends on based upon your fidelity to your spouse on earth. The first fella approaches St. Peter and he says, Roger? how many times were you unfaithful to your wife? Roger ducked his head and replied "five". St. Peter hands him the keys to a KIA
Bill is asked the same question and responds that he has only cheated on his wife twice. Bill is rewarded with the keys to a brand new Buick LeSabre.
James proudly approaches St. Peter with the information that he has been totally faithful to his bride and accepts the brand new Mercedes he is given.
Several days later, Roger and Bill happen upon James having lunch. They sit down and realize James is in a deep depression. "James!!!! Why such a long face? You WON!!! you got the best prize!!! You're driving the Mercedes!!"
James looked up and says "Yeah, but I saw my wife yesterday and she's riding a skateboard!" :(
School Teacher is holding math class when she poses the following question to her students: "There are Three birds perched on a high wire. One is shot down, how many birds are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and waves frantically at the teacher "me - me - teacher, pick me!!!"
The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, how many birds remain on the high wire?"
Little Johnny replied "None! 'Cuz when you shoot one, it will scare the other two away!!"
Hmmmmm Teacher thought a moment and said, "Well, no Johnny, the answer I'm looking for is TWO, but I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK"!!! Little Johnny raised his hand and when the teacher called on him he countered: "Teacher, I have one for YOU! There are three women sitting on a park bench. Each one has a Popsicle. The first one is licking it, the second lady is sucking hers, and the third lady is biting her Popsicle. Which woman is married?"
The teacher hesitated only briefly before replying... "the woman that is sucking her Popsicle"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "No, it's the woman that is wearing the wedding ring........ but, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!!!"
MEN & SEX...
After the Lord had created Man, he chose to give him 20 years of a Normal Sex Life. Man's reply was "20 Years!...Is that all?" The Lord was very firm on the subject, saying "That is all I will give to you."
Then the Lord called upon the Lion, and gave the Lion 20 years. The Lion said to the Lord, "I really only need 10". The man raised his hand and asked if the Lion could give him his extra 10. The Lion agreed.
Then the Lord called upon the Monkey, and gave the Monkey 20 years. The Monkey too replied, "I only need 10." Man again raised his hand and asked the Monkey for his extra 10. The monkey agreed.
Then the Lord called upon the Donkey, and he too gave the Donkey 20 years. The Donkey replied, "We don't normally need 10, so I too will only need 10." Then the donkey looked at the man..."I suppose you want my extra 10." Man nodded, and the Donkey agreed.
The moral of the story..That is why man has 20 years of a normal sex life, another 10 for Monkeying around, another 10 for Lion about it, and 10 more of making a complete ass out of himself!
Have you heard about the new "divorced" Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff!
L.A. Law...
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating, says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was on my desk, but for all I know, he could still be practicing law somewhere!"
Snack Talk...
A lady walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink from the bartender. As the bartender goes to get her drink, the bowl of pretzels says, "Lady, you are beautiful." Then, the bowl of peanuts says, "Lady, you are more than beautiful, you are gorgeous!"
The bartender comes back with her drink. The lady tells her story by saying, "The pretzels and peanuts are saying I'm beautiful and gorgeous."
The bartender replies, "That's okay. They're complimentary!"
Dear Jesus...
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"
"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."
Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to write another letter.
Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike! Your Friend, Johnny
The Sermon...
In the town of Plano, Texas, there was a Baptist and a Methodist minister. Since this was a small town they took to riding their bikes back and forth between home, church and visiting sites. Well one day the Methodist minister passed the Baptist minister walking. "Why Brother Baptist, why are you walking today?" the Methodist minister asked.
"Well Brother Methodist, it seems the worst had happened," he said. He continued, "One of my congregation has absconded with my bike and I don't know what to do."
"I know just the cure!" the Methodist minister cried. "Instead of your planned sermon this weekend, give a fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. When you get to the part about thou shall not steal, lay into it heavy. The thief will feel guilty and return your bike."
"Sounds like a great plan Brother Methodist," and off he went to plan the weekend sermon.
The next week Brother Methodist was riding down the road when he passed Brother Baptist riding his bike down the road. "Well I see that the sermon idea must have worked," he said.
"Well, sort of," the Baptist Minister replied sheepishly, "Sunday, I was giving the sermon as you recommended, but when I got to the part about thou shall not commit adultery, I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!"
The Donor...
One day a woman was going to sell some blood and went to the local blood bank on the seventh floor of the hospital. When she got on to the elevator, she told the attendant that she was going to the seventh floor. A man got on at the same time and said he was going to the fifth floor. On the way up the woman said she was going to sell her blood and she would get $15. The man said that he was going to the sperm bank on the fifth floor, where he would get $75.
She started thinking about this and figured out that she was on the short end of the stick. The next day, she got back on the elevator, was holding one hand over her mouth and held up five fingers!
Repaint!
A painter guy who attended a small community church got a good deal on surplus paint. So he put up an announcement on the church bulletin board offering to pass the savings on to the members. He decided to keep just enough to paint the church. So he began one morning, feeling good about himself and what a good deed he was doing.
About halfway through, he began to wonder if he indeed had enough to paint the whole church. Just to play it safe, he thinned it a little. About three quarters of the way through, he was sure he didn't have enough, so he thinned it a little more. Then the sky began to cloud up a little, so he hurried the job in case it started to rain. As he climbed down the side of the church, he noticed that the paint wasn't covering very well. He debated climing the ladder again to do a better job. And as he was pondered, glancing up at the church, lightning flashed and a thunderous voice commanded, "Repaint and thin nomore!"
'Womb' or not?...
A petite young woman was sitting at a table in a bar. Four construction workers sat around a nearby table. One of the men said, "I think its spelled 'WOOM'." Another said, "No. There's a 'B' at the end. It's 'WOOMB'." The third man said, "Uh, uh, it's spelled 'WOOMMBB'." The fourth man said, "No, there's and 'R' sound in it, it's spelled 'WOOMMBBR'." The young woman could take no more.
She walked over to the table and announced, "For your information, it's spelled 'WOMB'," and walked out of the bar.
The four men looked at each other. One of them asked, "Do you think she's right?" Another asked, "Nah, what does a girl like that know. She probably never even heard an elephant pass gas!
QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
NOW (National Organization for Women) affirm that the only letter's that should be deleted are M-E-N. and C-H-A-U-V-A-N-I-S-T and that M-A-K-E-U-P should just be discarded.
The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertilizer for my lawn."
So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertilizer. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag."
"Why is that?"
"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.
"Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."
"Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?"
"Rake? What do I need that for?"
"Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil."
"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake."
"Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?"
The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?"
Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood."
This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this."
"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that," asked the supervisor.
Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"
Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your neighbors! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it either way."
Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but that's it!"
"Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you."
After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could do that?"
The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.
The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?"
The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife."
Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it!
"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?"
"Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?"
"Well sir, " the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass."
